Magic Mobile

  CONTENTS

  Title Page

  Bill of Writes

  As True As I’m Standing Here

  Brainwaves!

  Celeb

  Ctrl-Alt-BACKTALK

  Drama Dates

  Feedback

  First Conjugation – Amare

  Gas

  Ten of the Best

  Guidance

  Bad Buy

  Beckett Refreshed

  Pharmachristenin

  All-Modest

  As He Likes It

  Would You Credit It?

  Happy-Go-Lucky!

  Presenters Presented

  As I Have Said Before

  Selfless

  Olympus: Big Shake-Up

  How Now?

  Pick of the Prides and Prejudices

  No, After You!

  Oh, You Shouldn’t Have!

  Solicitors

  Well Done Ya!

  This Means War

  The Rest of the Most

  Tick Power

  To Cut a Short Story Long

  Update

  Your Feelings

  The End

  About the Author

  Also by the Author

  Copyright

  A selection from our exciting new-season range of How-to-Write courses!

  Introductory: How to know whether you really do have a burning desire to communicate something to the world, and, if so, what it is. Includes hands-on practical suggestions for writing:

  * a mildly erotic novel set in West Bromwich in 1879;

  * a blackly comic cookbook that includes, among many other hilariously disturbing recipes, one for mouldy turnips marinated in diesel oil;

  * the constitution of a small dictatorship;

  * a 700-page family saga written with a spray-gun on the side of a motorway bridge.

  The course is conducted by Jemima Treeborough, who has a degree in goldfish husbandry, and, as you can see from the accompanying photograph, long blonde hair that falls attractively over one eye.

  Preliminary: How to actually get started! For the student who has already told all their friends and relations that they’re writing a book! Includes:

  * how to know whether to start writing your book today, or whether it might be better to put it off until tomorrow;

  * how to make a false start, thinking anything’s better than sitting there gazing out of the window, and anyway you can always rewrite it later;

  * how to make up to thirty more false starts.

  The course is taught by Howard Souping, an acknowledged expert, who has written the first pages of seventy-three novels. The picture of Howard on the right, which was the only one he could find, shows him looking slightly inebriated at a beer festival in Queensland.

  Intermediate: How to survive having got started. For the student who has already completed page one of a book, and is considering going on to page two. Includes:

  * how to put off even thinking about it through the time-honoured literary device of cleaning out the ‘p’s and ‘b’s on your typewriter, now that typewriters have been replaced by word processors;

  * how to recognise that it’s impossible to write page two because, even after all that agonising, you really need to go back and rewrite page one yet again;

  * how to break it to all the friends and relations you told you were writing a book that you’re not.

  Your guide here is Lemona Strood, who completed seven of our How-to-Write courses and actually wrote the first paragraph of page two of her critical history of Todhunter Road, Streatham, before she gave up. Her brave smile in the accompanying photograph is testimony to her unquenchable spirit in the face of disaster.

  Advanced: Understanding the financial aspects of authorship – specialist tuition in every aspect of the subject. Includes:

  * how to write a cheque. Practical tuition in writing cheques in favour of NoHow Literary Ltd, with special emphasis on the correct spelling of the payee’s name. Your tutor here is C. D. Thumb, Head of Home Sales, NoHow Literary Ltd;

  * how to ensure there is enough money in your account to cover the cheque. Sebastian Sponge, a distinguished fraudster who ran through his life savings doing How-to-Write courses, and who has subsequently served a prison sentence for obtaining money by false pretences, discusses various advanced techniques;

  * how to cope if your cheque is nominated for a major literary award. Celia Wozzard, who has done the flower-arrangement for many such occasions, takes you through the big night, including practical guidance on how to convey the text of your acceptance speech to the lectern so that people can’t see that you’ve written it in advance before you knew whether you were going to win or not;

  * how to recycle the speech as a religious tract if by any chance it shouldn’t be needed. Your tutor here is Willa Domble, who has herself written fifty-three acceptance speeches over the years and never needed any of them;

  * how to write a How-to-Write course. C. J. Sprew, who looks a bit dull in the photograph but who can in fact be quite amusing if you get him on to the subject of chromosome abnormalities in fruit flies, suggests trying to recoup your losses by writing a How-to-Write course, which he believes may be the literary form of the future now that no one reads anything any more but everyone wants to write the things that no one wants to read.

  – … Scene one, take seventeen.

  – And … action!

  What is truth? A question humankind has been asking since man first learnt to speak. I’m Timothy Tompkins, Reader in Situational Logic at the University of Stoke-on-Trent, and I have come here to Athens, the birthplace of philosophy—

  – Sorry, we’re getting a bit of aircraft noise again.

  – OK – cut!

  *

  – Scene one, take eighteen.

  – And … action!

  What is truth? A question humankind has been asking ever since man first learnt to speak. I’m Timothy Tompkins—

  – Another plane. I don’t know who picked a location right under the flight path into Athens airport …

  – Cut, cut, cut!

  *

  – Scene one, take nineteen.

  – OK, Tim – before the next plane. And – action!

  What is truth? A question humankind has been asking since man first spurned to leak … I’m so sorry. Probably not a good idea drinking all that raki last night …

  – Cut!

  *

  – Scene one, take twenty.

  – OK, Tim – deep breath. No pressure. Chloe’s rung air traffic control – we’ve got three minutes before the next plane. So just relax and enjoy it! We’re in Greece, the sun’s shining! You’re doing great! And whenever you’re ready … Very gently now … Action!

  What is truth? A question humankind has been asking since man first learnt to speak. I’m Timothy Tompkins, Reader in Situational Logic at the University of Stroke-on-Tent …

  – Keep running. We’ll cut around it. ‘I’m Timothy Tompkins …’ Action!

  I’m Timothy Tompkins, Reader in Shituational Logic …

  – Keep running, keep running. Tim, listen, we’ll come back and try the beginning again later when we’ve all settled down.

  It’s that bloody hotel they’ve put us in! I was kept awake all night by some kind of plumping in the thumbing …

  – Never mind. Just go straight on with ‘Is it really true, for a start …?’

  Is it really true, for a start, that I’m standing here on my own in front of the Parthenon, as I appear to be? In this film you’re for once going to be told the truth, the whole truth, at any rate about this one simple question. For the first time ever in the history of presented documentaries we are going to show you not an edited selection of the film we’re making, but th
e whole thing – the totally unedited rushes.

  So you already know what’s usually the first bit of the truth to hit the cutting-room floor – that there’s also someone here who holds up the clapperboard in front of my face at the beginning of each take. She’s the camera assistant, and, just to fill in a bit more of the truth, she’s called Jennie.

  But you know that somewhere around there’s also an invisible figure who keeps worrying about aircraft noise. That’s Lewis, the sound man. And you’ve heard another voice doing all that stuff about ‘Cut!’ and ‘Action!’ That’s Bill, the director. There’s also a cameraman, of course, who’s called George, plus Chloe, the production assistant, Grace, the make-up girl, and Josie, George’s girlfriend, who’s just come along for the ride.

  Never before have you been allowed to see the take where I get my turds in a wangle. Or the one where I dry completely, as I have now, and have to get Chloe to bring the script … Thanks, Chloe …

  ‘Because I’m not just making this stuff up as I go along …’ Yes, because I’m not just making this stuff up as I go along. I wrote it, and I did seventeen drafts of it, and I was also up all night trying to learn it with my head going round from all that raki, and it wasn’t me who ordered the second bottle …

  Though I don’t know why I’m not allowed to have an autocue like other presenters. Or just say the first thing that comes into my head, like some of them do these days. ‘Wow! This is incredible! I don’t believe this! How cool is this! Like, totally awesome …!’

  Sorry, only I’ve been standing here in the midday sun for twenty takes and I think I’m beginning to get sunstroke, and possibly also skin cancer …

  So where was I? Oh, yes, truth. So what in fact is truth? A question humankind has been asking since take one, all those many takes ago.

  To answer it I have come here to Athens to meet a local expert the researchers have found, and he’s going to be looking anxiously out of his front door waiting for the cue, and then the director’s going to say ‘Action’, so the local expert’s going to close the front door and then open it again and to his surprise see me standing there, and I’m going to say ‘Hi, Spiros!’, only his name’s Stavros, so he closes the door and then he opens it again, and he’s just as surprised to see me standing there again as he was before. So surprised that he never notices I’m being followed by Jennie, Lewis, Bill, George, Chloe, Grace and Josie, together with someone whose name I didn’t catch who’s writing a publicity piece about the film, plus a crowd of local citizens who’ve stopped to see what’s going on, and a team of security men who are trying to keep them quiet, and just over the horizon an unspecified number of researchers, producers, accountants, PR people, managers, reviewers and viewers … not to mention some idiot who’s just walked into shot and is now waving at the camera …

  – Cut!

  *

  – Scene one, take twenty-one.

  – OK, Tim, you’ve really loosened up and hit your stride. Wonderful! So let’s just quickly go back to the top and get it in the can before the light goes. And … action!

  What is truth? A question humankind has been asking since man first learnt to speak. I’m Tomothy Timpkins … No, I’m not, I’m somebody else, only I’ve said it so many times now that I’ve forgotten who it is. And as to what truth is … I’m long past caring …

  The time-tested catalogue of gadgets and notions that keeps arriving through your letter box without your ever having asked for it! Jam-packed with things you never knew you wanted!

  • Can’t get to sleep, but fed up with counting sheep? This stylish but hard-wearing sheep-enumerator will do the job for you, while you enjoy a peaceful night’s insomnia! Total numbers of sheep envisaged, classified by breed, weight and current market value, can be stored on your smartphone and read at leisure over breakfast.

  • You’re just about to have a wonderful evening out when you suddenly remember that you promised to visit an old friend who is mortally ill … In seconds these magical little pills remove all untimely recollections of tedious obligations and unperformed tasks, regrets for missed opportunities in life, etc.!

  • The amazing book that reads itself while you relax – and keeps discreetly quiet about its opinions afterwards! Guaranteed not to bore you or your guests by telling you the plot! When fitted with the optional-extra walking device, it will even go off to your reading group and say nothing there, either!

  • Imagine you had to wag your tail up to five thousand times a day! No wonder your dog is liable to tail fatigue. Protect your four-footed friend with this simple electric tail-booster. Choice of pomegranate, aubergine or greengage. Folds up when not in use and serves as a handy eyebrow-raiser.

  • Too many candles on your birthday cake these days to blow out with one breath? This tiny but powerful fan sits concealed inside your shirtfront and produces a blast of air that can extinguish up to ninety-nine candles simultaneously! Then applaud itself and sing ‘Happy Birthday’!

  • Smarten up your appearance with this lightweight automatic tie-straightener!

  • Why pay for expensive funerals when you can recycle your loved ones with this stylish yet practical home compost-maker? With a large and ageing family, the savings in garden fertiliser will soon cover the cost!

  • Toe clutter is a thing of the past! Safely remove unwanted toes and save on maintenance with this easy-to-use stainless-steel dedigitator …

  • Never experience visible embarrassment again! This personal airbag detects social catastrophe instantly, and conceals your entire head in colourful easy-to-wash polyester before you can blush!

  • Why let having your mouth full spoil your mealtime conversations? Sit back and enjoy your sticky toffee pudding while this stylish and discreet little autotalker chatters away to your friends about holiday plans, shortcomings of local transport services, difficulties in remembering to take pills, etc.! Choice of political orientation, optimism/pessimism. Can even forget familiar names in a lifelike way and commit amusing spoonerisms.

  • Embarrassed by unexpected flatulence? This clever little device detects gas build-up and distracts everyone’s attention with exotic bird-calls and easy-to-listen-to mood music. Buy two, get one – and save on storage space!

  • Why be old, when this amazing new science-based rejuvenator can take up to ten years off your age? Works on mathematical principles of subtraction developed by researchers for the US Space Program.

  • Want to tell your partner how much you love him/her, but don’t like to lie? Let this wonderful little gadget take the moral strain! Virtually undetectable. Detachable conscience can simply be unscrewed and rinsed under the tap!

  • Turn your unwanted holiday snaps into beautiful pornographic images! With this lightweight portable device, clothes fall off even the most prudish great-aunt as if by magic! Then just change the setting on the dial and turn your unwanted pornography back into a tastefully crocheted tea-cosy!

  • Make your conversation as exciting as an innovations catalogue with a year’s supply of these guaranteed foolproof exclamation marks!

  • Is your TV tired and listless? Having a hard time entertaining you? Treat it to a good long wallow in this traditional herbal formula developed by tribal medicine-men in Papua New Guinea, and see programmes perk up overnight!

  • Unwanted guests removed within seconds! Even the most hint-resistant visitors will beat a hasty retreat when the subtle but penetrating body odours generated by this stylish and virtually indestructible little device waft over them! Hours of fun for all the family as guests make their hurried excuses!

  • Ever been embarrassed by the smallness of your goldfish? Our humane and harmless goldfish-magnifier will make even the tiniest tiddler appear up to twelve feet long!

  • You too can think up new gadgets in comfort with the help of this hard-wearing bedside inventor’s kit. Separate settings for inventions dealing with the problems of rat infestation, emotional instability, economic collapse and unwanted s
mells.

  • Fed up with receiving unsolicited catalogues? At the touch of a switch this ingenious blender will transform them in just sixty seconds into a tasty and nourishing organic stew!

  God, good of You to join us! God, You have had a very long and distinguished career, but I think I’m right in saying that this is the first time You’ve ever agreed to be interviewed.

  – I’ve always felt it was better to work in mysterious ways, but My PR people thought it was time to make Myself a little more accessible.

  Your work in creating the universe has been widely praised. Some critics, though, as You know, have expressed a few reservations.

  – You have to remember the situation I inherited. Total chaos. Without form and void.

  What would You say has been Your greatest achievement?

  – Existing in the first place.

  Do You create regularly, or only when You’re inspired?

  – I try to put in a reasonably regular working eternity.

  You enjoy Your work?

  – Hugely, but I’m also very conscious of the awesome responsibilities I bear.

  Do You feel You’re still creating as strongly as before?

  – In recent millennia I’ve been concentrating more on simply existing. One does as one gets older, you know. And I think I’m existing as well now as I ever did. Better, in fact. You learn a lot in this game as you go along.

  So no plans to retire?

  – I intend to remain and do the job I created myself to do.

  *

  You once said …

  – I was misquoted.

  How do You deal with bad reviews?

  – Strike the authors dead.

  What would You say to those who accuse You of sexism?

  – Watch out!