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  – Or ‘z’. ‘Z’ sounds kind of scientific. Zotohexamine …?

  – I personally always go a bit weak at the knees for ones starting with ‘di-’. Dizotohexamine …?

  – ‘Di-’? Like what you do if you take these pills?

  – OK. ‘Tri-’, then. Trizotohexamine …?

  – Sounds desperate. Tri-anything, even trizoto-whatever-it-was.

  *

  – Opprobrium has a certain, I don’t know … gravitas …

  *

  – I don’t suppose we’re allowed to do something a bit, you know, retro, are we?

  – Retro?

  – Like … well … syrup of figs …? Milk of magnesia …?

  – Yes. Or just ordinary names? I mean, we’re not called Spiroproprium and Hydrodoraphil! We’re Simon, and Selina, and Rosemary, and Bogoslav. We don’t call our children things like Hexahoxamin and Hoxahexaphil! We call them Jonathan and Amelia!

  – Actually, we’ve called our two Metrosaxophil and Proxamoxanil.

  *

  – Or just something really simple and basic. You know – splodge …

  – Splodge?

  – Or glop. Shmog … Ploop … You did say ‘anything’!

  Yes, but Simon, you know I didn’t mean things like splodge or glop. I think we do all have an instinctive sense of what’s appropriate here.

  – OK, so how about something that actually means something? Costalotium? Pickapocketum …?

  No humorous suggestions, please, Bogoslav. Remember what happened last week after Simon said nogginobulin …

  – And Selina said hobgobulose …

  – And it all very quickly got extremely sillibuggersol.

  *

  – It might help if we knew what this stuff does.

  What it does? Oh, OK. ‘May cause high blood pressure, low blood pressure, drowsiness, insomnia, constipation, diarrhoea, swelling of the testicles, shrinking of the testicles, scabies, rabies or sudden death.’

  – No, I mean, what it’s supposed to do?

  Supposed to do? I don’t think it says … Oh, yes, sorry … ‘Reduces holiday flatulence.’

  – OK, so how about fixoflatulin?

  – Just a moment. We’re not going to start telling the punters what the medicine’s for, are we?

  – Why not? You’ve got scrofulous elbows, the doctor prescribes elboscrofulin – we all know where we are.

  – But we don’t want people to know where they are! We’ve already given up the Latin! We want to preserve some last shreds of medical mystery!

  – Anyway, if you’ve got scrofulous elbows the last thing you need, every time you open the bathroom cabinet, is to have a packet jeering ‘Scrofulous elbows!’ at you, like some playground bully.

  – Yes, and if we start explaining things we’re going to end up calling pills things like rummitummium.

  – Or delhibellium …

  – Or eeziqueezium …

  I think we should perhaps be a bit careful here. We don’t want to get the giggles again.

  – Dickitickerol.

  Bogoslav, please!

  – Droopidickulin!

  – Spottibottinol!

  – Pixipoxipil!

  – Pixipoxipil? What’s that for?

  – Poxy pixies!

  Listen, I don’t want to be forced to suspend the session again. Can we all please take a deep breath, and—

  – Sexisoxalin!

  Right! I gave you fair warning!

  – Sorry. Slipped out. Not another word … Just – knobblikneesium …!

  That’s it! Session suspended! And don’t come back, any of you, until you’ve taken your antisniggerin.

  Let us now praise Almighty God, who art all-powerful yet all-merciful, the all-wise Architect of our Existence, most emphatically with capital initials. O Lord, Thou makest the birds to sing and the bees to buzz. Thou readeth, no, I mean ‘readest’, the secrets of our hearts and understandest the wickedness of our ways, yet forgiveth, forgivest, him who believest, believeth, believest. Thou art beautiful beyond all human understanding, long-suffering, patient …

  – Hold on.

  … just yet all-merciful, all-merciful yet all-just, oh, and have I mentioned all-wise? I think I have, but it surely bears saying again …

  – Yes, yes, but stop a moment.

  I don’t know who this is interrupting, but I am speaking to God, and interfering with communications undertaken by a recognised minister of religion with the Almighty during divine service is not only disrespectful and blasphemous, but probably also constitutes a criminal offence in English common law.

  – Yes, but not in this case, because it’s Me. The Person you’re talking to.

  The Person I’m talking to is God.

  – Exactly.

  What? You mean, you’re …?

  – God, yes.

  You’re God? Thou? Thee? But this is amazing! I know You answer prayers – or I should say Thou answerest prayers – but not literally, surely! In Thine own voice!

  – Only when I think it’s in the client’s best interests.

  I should never have dreamt! Never have dared hope! Thou really art so kind, so responsive, so …

  – Never mind all the thees and thous. I can speak modern English perfectly well.

  Of course. Thou – You – canst speak every language, I know. Swahili, Pashtu, Esperanto …

  – Yes, yes, yes …

  … all those different tribal languages down there in the Brazilian jungle, Scouse, Glaswegian …

  – Thank you, yes. Much appreciated. But could I just get a word in here?

  Of course. Sorry. I’m just so knocked out by Thy – Your – ever-loving kindness, Your ever-surprising …

  – Stop, stop, stop. I’m trying to make a serious point. Which is that there’s one of My qualities that you never seem to mention. How about My modesty?

  Your modesty?

  – While you’re going through the entire list. Or perhaps you don’t think I’m modest?

  Of course I do! I should have said! Thou art – You are – all-modest and all-self-deprecating …

  – Yes, yes …

  … whilst at the same time knowing Your own worth and being able to assert Yourself in a courteous and good-humoured way …

  – I know, but that’s not really the point I’m making. Which is: what do you think I feel when you go on and on about how wonderful I am?

  I wouldn’t presume to know. Why, how in fact do You feel?

  – Deeply embarrassed!

  Embarrassed?

  – Of course. How would you feel if I started to go on and on like that about you?

  Well, it’s always nice to know one’s appreciated …

  – No, but if I laid it on as thick as you do? You’d feel very awkward! You wouldn’t know where to put yourself! I know you mean well, and I’m naturally grateful for the support, which some days I can really do with, believe Me. But I’m pretty much aware of My good points already. It might be more useful to remind Me of My shortcomings.

  Shortcomings? Thee? Thou?

  – Of course! Don’t you think I have at least as much critical self-awareness as you? As passionate a wish to improve? To exceed My personal best?

  Yes, but Thou – You – hast – have – surely exceeded everyone’s best already, including Your own, and …

  – Yes, yes, yes. But don’t you think I might find it helpful just occasionally to get a rather more reasoned and nuanced response?

  It’s so characteristically humble of You to think there’s anything that I or anyone else could possibly—

  – Humble. Yes, thank you. That’s another thing I don’t think you’ve mentioned before. However …

  However, yes, there is perhaps one small thing I might mention. Since You suggested it … You really don’t mind? So … well … I don’t quite know where to start … But there do seem to be rather a lot of people in various parts of the world …

  – … who are
having a really terrible time. Of course. I knew you were going to mention that. Thank you. Very helpful. It would take too long to explain why it’s best if everything is left as it is, and you probably wouldn’t understand if I did. But your comment has certainly been noted, and I’m grateful to find someone who’s prepared to speak out.

  That is so characteristically all-understanding of You!

  – Yes, yes. But perhaps I could just give you a word of advice.

  I should be terribly grateful, because You hast – Thou havest – so much more experience …

  – It’s this: if you’re trying to flatter someone, don’t trowel it on. Don’t just burble vague generalised eulogies that might apply to anyone. Try to think of some particular detail that you’ve really noticed and appreciated. It’s much more convincing.

  Thank You. Your advice is, as always, both timely and—

  – Of course. So is there any particular thing you’d like to take the opportunity to mention now, while we’re talking?

  Well … just off the top of my head …

  – Go on.

  This sounds a bit silly, but … Raindrops on roses … Yes? And whiskers on kittens …

  – Thank you. Much appreciated!

  Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens …

  – I’m rather pleased with them Myself, I have to confess.

  Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes …

  – Good. Stop there. Don’t overdo it. Just bear the general principle in mind if you’re trying to soften people up. If you’re going on to borrow money from them, for instance. I’m not saying that’s what you’re leading up to in this case … Is it?

  Of course not! Nothing further from my mind!

  – I know that.

  Unless You could manage, say, a couple of thousand … Not for me personally, but we seem to have got some kind of fungal contamination in the font …

  Hey, you’re William Shakespeare!

  Yes, you are! I know you are! You’re famous! I saw a picture of you somewhere!

  You write plays and things … Yes, you do! I don’t know why you’ve got to be all kind of shrinking into your doublet about it.

  Actually, I’ve seen one of your plays! So there you go! I’ve forgotten what it was called, but there was this man, and there was this other person, I think it was a woman, and they were kind of … I can’t remember exactly, but they were sort of saying sort of famous things, and it was hilarious. Well, this friend of mine who knows about plays said it was supposed to be kind of tragic, but I thought it was a hoot.

  No, I loved it. It was really good! Well … quite good. It wasn’t very … you know … realistic. Actually it was all completely unbelievable, but I think it was just a made-up story, wasn’t it, so it probably didn’t matter.

  You’ve written a lot of other famous plays as well.

  No, I know you have – because I’ve got your Complete Works and it weighs a ton, and it’s holding up the end of the bookcase, but it’s where the damp patch is, so a lot of the pages are stuck together, which is why I haven’t read it.

  I’m very pleased to meet you, actually, because I’m a writer too! No, come back! You don’t need to worry – I’m not going to send you some great manuscript thing to read! If only because I haven’t actually written anything yet! I’ve got this great idea, though. It’s for a kind of play thing, so it would interest you, and now I’ve got you here I might just ask you to give me a few tips … No, wait, wait! I know you’re very busy, but it would only take half an hour or so …

  OK, OK … Just tell me one thing before you go. How do you get started? If I could get started I think I’d be all right …

  And of course you won’t tell me. It’s so unfair! You’re famous, so it’s easy for you. Also you know how to do it, which I don’t.

  You’re not frightened of a bit of competition, are you? So how about collaborating, then? We could be a great team! I’ve got the idea, so it would leave you free to do the actual writing, which is probably more your kind of thing. And if it’s got your name on it as well as mine, we’re more likely to get it put on. Then we simply go fifty-fifty on the royalties …

  I’ll just quickly tell you the idea, anyway, so you can see if it’s something you’d be interested in. It’s about this man – it’s more realistic than your thing – and he always wears this mysterious scarlet mask, and he’s got this secret plan to be master of the universe …

  No? OK. Up to you. Off you go. But if I see you’ve got some new play on, and it’s about a man who wears a scarlet mask, then let me just warn you that my brother-in-law is a solicitor, and what he’s particularly hot on is intellectual property rights …

  Hi! Here I am! Late, as usual!

  You’ve been waiting and waiting, I know! Don’t say no you haven’t, because I know you have! And what’s even more awful is that you then have to be polite and pretend you haven’t!

  But that’s me! People must get so cross! I can’t help laughing sometimes!

  Never mind – just think how surprised you’d have been if I’d turned up on time! Because you know me! You must have been expecting me to be at least an hour late! And in actual fact it’s only, what …? Oh, two hours!

  Well, you must have been expecting me not to do what you expected! You should know me by now!

  Anyway, it could easily have been three! Or four! Or a month! Me being what I am!

  I might well never have turned up at all, in fact! Because you know what I’m like! Always changing my mind! Saying I’ll do one thing and then doing another! People are always telling me! ‘We never know what you’re going to do next! The only thing we know is that we don’t know!’

  Same with the way I drive! Actually, that’s what made me so late! Ran over an old lady on the way here! Typical me! I thought, I’ll go left! And then, halfway left, I thought, No, it’s a fine day, I think I’ll go right! If the poor old lady had only known it was me she’d have guessed what was coming!

  So then, of course, the police turned up! They want to charge me! Running over old ladies – ten points on my licence, probably! I told them, Sorry and all that, but it’s simply the kind of thing I do! It’s just the way I am! Can’t help it! Must have been the way I was brought up!

  Car’s a bit of a write-off! Not mine, fortunately! Belongs to some friends of mine! It’s happened before, of course, so they won’t be too surprised when I tell them! Well, a bit surprised, perhaps, because I forgot to tell them I was taking it! Silly old me! Incorrigible! Never remember anything until it’s too late!

  Always makes them laugh when I do things like this! ‘Oh, you!’ they go!

  All you need to do, when you explain, is you just put an exclamation mark at the end! That’s what I do, anyway! Exclamation marks all over the place whenever I open my mouth!

  Some people are always trying to get me to be different! But, honestly, who wants to be predictable? Bor-ing! Life’s too short! Being unpredictable is what people love about me! Smash bash crash! There we go again! Here today, gone tomorrow! Or gone today, as a matter of fact, if you’re the old lady! Even better for her if I’d gone yesterday!

  I’ve just met this woman who’s exactly like me! Always forgetting things, apparently! Well, I say I’ve met her. I haven’t actually yet, because she forgot to turn up! Didn’t matter – in fact I didn’t even realise – because I never turned up, either! Decided to do something else instead! We’re obviously made for each other!

  Happy-go-lucky, that’s me! Unlike the old lady! Happy-go-unlucky, some people!

  Hi! I’m Melinda Twinkling, and welcome all you lovely people out there to another edition of Vintage Celebs! Every week I dig out some forgotten remnant of the past hidden away in an attic or an old folks’ home. So a big shout-out, please, for this week’s buried treasure: Sir Strapforth Egg, formerly Keeper of the Queen’s … what …? I can’t even get my tongue round it!

  – … Objets de Vertu.

  Thank you, Sir S
trapforth! And presenter of shows with titles like … Say it for us, Sir Strapforth!

  – Mankind, Whence and Whither. A Cultural Conspectus of Genus Humanus.

  Wow! Totally awesome! Anyway, I’m just going to stand here and let Sir Strapforth do his stuff, while I stand here and do mine, which consists mostly of little cries of ‘Wow! Oh my God! I don’t believe it!’ So, Sir Strapforth …

  – Good evening. In the series of series that I presented in the past, I was concerned to examine various inanimate cult objects from the world’s museums – individual artefacts that seem to typify the civilisations that gave rise to them …

  And I love the way he just stands there, not waving his arms about, like he was some kind of marble statue himself!

  – We looked, if you recall, at the figure of a weasel-headed god from the Sumerian civilisation of the second century BC, an early medieval fish slice from a monastic settlement on the Isle of Sheppey, and a nineteenth-century dog-faced death mask from the tooth-grinding peoples of northern Somaliland …

  So sweet, that three-piece tweed suit he’s wearing!

  – Today, however, I want to turn to the culture of our own times …

  I love the way he keeps one hand in his jacket pocket! Or maybe it got blown off in the Crimean War …

  – If we were obliged to pick just one single phenomenon to characterise our culture, we might, I think, without injustice, settle upon the person of our presenter today – Ms Melinda Twinkling.