Noises Off Read online

  MICHAEL FRAYN

  Noises Off

  Michael Frayn has written plays, novels, and screenplays, in addition to being a journalist, documentary filmmaker, and translator of Chekhov. His thirteen plays include Copenhagen, which was awarded the Tony Award for Best Play, as well as the Outer Critics Circle and Drama Desk awards and, in the United Kingdom, the Olivier and Evening Standard awards. His novel Headlong was shortlisted for the Booker Prize. His most recent novel, Spies, was published in 2002. Born in London in 1933 and educated at Cambridge, Frayn is married to the biographer and critic Claire Tomalin; they live in London.

  ALSO BY MICHAEL FRAYN

  PLAYS

  Alphabetical Order

  Balmoral

  Benefactors

  Clockwise (screenplay)

  Clouds

  Copenhagen

  Donkeys’ Years

  First and Last (screenplay)

  Here

  Jamie on a Flying Visit & Birthday

  Look Look

  Make and Break

  Now You Know

  The Two of Us

  Wild Honey

  NOVELS

  Against Entropy

  Headlong

  A Landing on the Sun

  Now You Know

  The Russian Interpreter

  Spies

  Sweet Dreams

  The Tin Men

  The Trick of It

  A Very Private Life

  NONFICTION

  Constructions

  The Copenhagen Papers

  The Original Michael Frayn

  The Additional Michael Frayn

  Speak After the Beep

  TRANSLATIONS

  The Cherry Orchard

  Exchange

  Fruits of Enlightenment

  Number One

  The Seagull

  The Sneeze

  Three Sisters

  Uncle Vanya

  Wild Honey

  Author’s Note

  This play has gone through many different forms and versions. Here, to avoid any mysteries or confusions, is a brief history.

  It began life as a short one-actor entitled Exits, commissioned by the late Martin Tickner, for a midnight matinee of the Combined Theatrical Charities at the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, on 10 September 1977, where it was directed by the late Eric Thompson, and played by Denis Quilley, Patricia Routledge, Edward Fox, Dinsdale Landen, and Polly Adams. Michael Codron thereupon commissioned a full-length version, and waited for it with intermittent patience. Michael Blakemore, the director, persuaded me to rethink and restructure for the resulting text, and suggested a great many ideas which I incorporated.

  After the play had opened at the Lyric, Hammersmith, in 1982, I did a great deal more rewriting. I went on rewriting, in fact, until Nicky Henson, who was playing Garry, announced on behalf of the cast (rather as Garry himself might have done), that they would learn no further versions.

  The play transferred to the Savoy Theatre, and ran until 1987, with five successive casts. For two of the cast-changes I did more rewrites. I also rewrote for the production in Washington in 1983, and I rewrote again when this moved to Broadway.

  Reading the English text that has been in use in the past decade and a half I have discovered a series of bizarre misprints, and I suspect that directors have been driven to some quite outlandish devices to make sense of them. What’s happened to it in other languages I can for the most part only guess. I know that in France it has been played under two different titles (sometimes simultaneously), and in Germany under four. I imagine that it’s often been freely adapted to local circumstances, in spite of the prohibitions in the contract. In France, certainly, my British actors and the characters they are playing turned into Frenchmen, in Italy into Italians (who introduced a ‘Sardine Song’ between the acts). In Barcelona they were Catalan-speaking actors playing Spanish-speaking characters; in Tampere, in northern Finland, they were robust northerners speaking the Tampere dialect and playing effete southerners with Helsinki accents. On the Japanese poster they all appear to be Japanese; on the Chinese poster Chinese. In Prague they performed the play for some ten years without Act Three, and no one noticed until I arrived.

  For the revival at the National Theatre in 2000 I’ve rewritten yet again. Some of the changes are ones that I’ve been longing to make myself – there’s nothing like having to sit through a play twelve million times to make your fingers itch for the delete key. Many other changes were suggested by the radical criticisms and irresistible inventions of my new director, Jeremy Sams. I hope that no one will consciously notice the difference, but if I have demolished any particularly cherished errors or suggestive inconsistencies I apologise.

  Publisher’s Note

  Noises Off was first presented, by arrangement with Michael Codron, at the Lyric Theatre, Hammersmith, on 23 February 1982, and on 31 March by Michael Codron at the Savoy Theatre, London, with the following cast:

  Dotty Otley Patricia Routledge

  Lloyd Dallas Paul Eddington

  Garry Lejeune Nicky Henson

  Brooke Ashton Rowena Roberts

  Poppy Norton-Taylor Yvonne Antrobus

  Frederick Fellowes Tony Matthews

  Belinda Blair Jan Waters

  Tim Allgood Roger Lloyd Pack

  Selsdon Mowbray Michael Aldridge

  Electrician Ray Edwards

  Directed by Michael Blakemore

  Designed by Michael Annals

  Lighting by Spike Gaden

  It was revived in its present form by the Royal National Theatre, in association with the Ambassador Theatre Group and Act Productions Ltd. It previewed in the Lyttelton Theatre on 29 September 2000, and opened on 5 October, with the following cast:

  Dotty Otley Patricia Hodge

  Lloyd Dallas Peter Egan

  Garry Lejeune Aden Gillett

  Brooke Ashton Natalie Walter

  Poppy Norton-Taylor Selina Griffiths

  Frederick Fellowes Jeff Rawle

  Belinda Blair Susie Blake

  Tim Allgood Paul Thornley

  Selsdon Mowbray Christopher Benjamin

  Directed by Jeremy Sams

  Designed by Robert Jones

  Lighting by Tim Mitchell

  Sound by Fergus O’Hare for Aura

  On 14 May 2001 this production opened at the Piccadilly Theatre, London, with the same cast except for:

  Dotty Otley Lynn Redgrave

  Garry Lejeune Stephen Mangan

  It opened at the Brooks Atkinson Theatre, New York, on 1 November 2001, with the following cast:

  Dotty Otley Patti LuPone

  Lloyd Dallas Peter Gallagher

  Garry Lejeune Thomas McCarthy

  Brooke Ashton Katie Finneran

  Poppy Norton-Taylor Robin Weigert

  Frederick Fellowes Faith Prince

  Belinda Blair Edward Hibbert

  Tim Allgood T. R. Knight

  Selsdon Mowbray Richard Easton

  Directed by Jeremy Sams

  Designed by Robert Jones

  Lighting by Tim Mitchell

  Sound by Fergus O’Hare for Aura

  The cast of Noises Off are performing another play, Nothing On. The casting in Nothing On is as follows:

  Mrs. Clackett Dotty Otley

  Roger Tramplemain Garry Lejeune

  Vicki Brooke Ashton

  Philip Brent Frederick Fellowes

  Flavia Brent Belinda Blair

  Burglar Selsdon Mowbray

  Sheikh Frederick Fellowes

  Director Lloyd Dallas

  Company and Stage Manager Tim Allgood

  Assistant Stage Manager Poppy Norton-Taylor

  The action takes place in the living-room of the Brents’ country home, on a Wednesday af
ternoon.

  Act One: The living-room of the Brents’ country home. Wednesday afternoon.

  (Grand Theatre, Weston-super-Mare. Monday 14 January)

  Act One: The living-room of the Brents’ country home. Wednesday afternoon.

  (Theatre Royal, Ashton-under-Lyne. Wednesday matinee, 13 February)

  Act One: The living-room of the Brents’ country home. Wednesday afternoon.

  (Municipal Theatre, Stockton-on-Tees. Saturday 6 April)

  There is an interval between Act One and Act One. There is no interval between Act One and Act One.

  Act One

  The living-room of the Brents’ country home. Wednesday afternoon.

  (Grand Theatre, Weston-super-Mare. Monday 14 January.)

  From the estate agent’s description of the property:

  A delightful 16th-century posset mill, 25 miles from London. Lovingly converted, old-world atmosphere, many period features. Fully equipped with every aid to modern living and beautifully furnished throughout by owner now resident abroad. Ideal for overseas company seeking perfect English setting to house senior executive. Minimum three months’ let. Apply sole agents: Squire, Squire, Hackham and Dudley.

  The accommodation comprises: an open-plan living area, with a staircase leading to a gallery. A notable feature is the extensive range of entrances and exits provided. On the ground floor the front door gives access to the mature garden and delightful village beyond. Another door leads to the elegant panelled study, and a third to the light and airy modern service quarters. A fourth door opens into a luxurious bathroom/WC suite, and a full-length south-facing window affords extensive views. On the gallery level is the door to the master bedroom, and another to a small but well-proportioned linen cupboard. A corridor gives access to all the other rooms in the upper parts of the house. Another beautifully equipped bathroom/WC suite opens off the landing halfway up the stairs.

  All in all, a superb example of the traditional English set-builder’s craft – a place where the discerning theatregoer will feel instantly at home.

  Introductory music. As the curtain rises, the award-winning modern telephone is ringing.

  Enter from the service quarters Mrs Clackett , a housekeeper of character. She is carrying an imposing plate of sardines.

  Mrs Clackett It’s no good you going on. I can’t open sardines and answer the phone. I’ve only got one pair of feet.

  She puts the sardines down on the telephone table by the sofa, and picks up the phone.

  Hello … Yes, but there’s no one here, love … No, Mr Brent’s not here … He lives here, yes, but he don’t live here now because he lives in Spain … Mr Philip Brent, that’s right … The one who writes the plays, that’s him, only now he writes them in Spain … No, she’s in Spain, too, they’re all in Spain, there’s no one here … Am I in Spain? No, I’m not in Spain, dear. I look after the house for them, but I go home at one o’clock on Wednesday, only I’ve got a nice plate of sardines to put my feet up with, because it’s the royal what’s it called on the telly – the royal you know -where’s the paper, then …?

  She picks up the newspaper lying on the sofa and searches in it.

  … And if it’s to do with letting the house then you’ll have to ring the house agents, because they’re the agents for the house … Squire, Squire, Hackham and who’s the other one … ? No, they’re not in Spain, they’re next to the phone in the study. Squire, Squire, Hackham, and hold on, I’ll go and look.

  She replaces the receiver.

  Or so the stage-directions say in Robin Housemonger’s play, Nothing On. In fact, though, she puts the receiver down beside the phone instead.

  Always the same, isn’t it. Soon as you take the weight off your feet, down it all comes on your head.

  Exit Mrs Clackett into the study, still holding the newspaper.

  Or so the stage direction says. In fact, she moves off holding the plate of sardines instead of the newspaper. As she does so, Dotty Otley, the actress who is playing the part of Mrs Clackett, comes out of character to comment on the move.

  Dotty And l take the sardines. No, I leave the sardines. No, I take the sardines.

  The disembodied voice of Lloyd Dallas , the director of Nothing On, replies from somewhere out in the darkness of the auditorium.

  Lloyd You leave the sardines and you put the receiver back.

  Dotty Oh yes, I put the receiver back.

  She puts the receiver back and moves off again with the sardines.

  Lloyd And you leave the sardines.

  Dotty And I leave the sardines?

  Lloyd You leave the sardines.

  Dotty I put the receiver back and I leave the sardines.

  Lloyd Right.

  Dotty We’ve changed that, have we, love?

  Lloyd No, love.

  Dotty That’s what I’ve always been doing?

  Lloyd I shouldn’t say that, Dotty, my precious.

  Dotty How about the words, love? Am I getting some of them right?

  Lloyd Some of them have a very familiar ring.

  Dotty Only it’s like a fruit machine in there.

  Lloyd I know that, Dotty.

  Dotty I open my mouth, and I never know if it’s going to come out three oranges or two lemons and a banana.

  Lloyd Anyway, it’s not midnight yet. We don’t open till tomorrow. So you’re holding the receiver.

  Dotty I’m holding the receiver.

  Lloyd ‘Squire, Squire, Hackham and, hold on …’

  Dotty resumes her performance as Mrs Clackett.

  Mrs Clackett Squire, Squire, Hackham and, hold on, don’t go away, I’m putting it down.

  She replaces the receiver.

  Always the same, isn’t it. Put your feet up for two minutes and immediately they come running after you.

  Exit Mrs Clackett into the study, still holding the newspaper.

  Only she isn’t holding the newspaper.

  The sound of a key in the lock.

  Lloyd Hold it.

  The front door opens. On the doorstep stands Roger , holding a cardboard box. He is about thirty and has the well-appointed air of a man who handles high-class real estate.

  Roger … I have a housekeeper, yes, but this is her afternoon off.

  Lloyd Hold it, Garry. Dotty!

  Enter Vicki through the front door. She is a desirable property in her early twenties, well-built and beautifully maintained throughout.

  Roger So we’ve got the place entirely to ourselves.

  Lloyd Hold it, Brooke. Dotty!

  Enter Dotty from the study.

  Dotty Come back?

  Lloyd Yes, and go out again with the newspaper.

  Dotty The newspaper? Oh, the newspaper.

  Lloyd You put the receiver back, you leave the sardines and you go out with the newspaper.

  Garry Here you are, love.

  Dotty Sorry, love.

  Garry (embraces her) Don’t worry, love. It’s only the technical.

  Lloyd It’s the dress, Garry, honey. It’s the dress rehearsal.

  Garry So when was the technical?

  Lloyd So when’s the dress? We open tomorrow!

  Garry Well, we’re all thinking of it as the technical. (To Dotty.) Aren’t we, love?

  Dotty It’s all those words, my sweetheart.

  Garry Don’t worry about the words, Dotty, my pet.

  Dotty Coming up like oranges and lemons.

  Garry Listen, Dotty, your words are fine, your words are better than the, do you know what I mean? (To Brooke.) Isn’t that right?

  Brooke (her thoughts elsewhere) Sorry?

  Garry (to Dotty) I mean, OK, so he’s the, you know. Fine. But, Dotty, love, you’ve been playing this kind of part for, well, you know what I mean.

  Lloyd All right? So Garry and Brooke are off, Dotty’s holding the receiver …

  Garry No, but here we are, we’re all thinking, my God, we open tomorrow, we’ve only had a fortnight to rehearse, we don’t know where we
are, but my God, here we are!

  Dotty That’s right, my sweet. Isn’t that right, Lloyd?

  Lloyd Beautifully put, Garry.

  Garry No, but we’ve got to play Weston-super-Mare all the rest of this week, then Yeovil, then God knows where, then God knows where else, and so on for God knows how long, and we’re all of us feeling pretty much, you know … (To Brooke.) I mean, aren’t you?

  Brooke Sorry?

  Lloyd Anyway, you’re off, Dotty’s holding the receiver …

  Garry Sorry, Lloyd. But sometimes you just have to come right out with it. You know?

  Lloyd I know.

  Garry Thanks, Lloyd.

  Lloyd OK, Garry. So you’re off …

  Garry Lloyd, let me just say one thing. Since we’ve stopped. I’ve worked with a lot of directors, Lloyd. Some of them were geniuses. Some of them were bastards. But I’ve never met one who was so totally and absolutely … I don’t know …

  Lloyd Thank you, Garry. I’m very touched. Now will you get off the fucking stage?

  Exit Garry through the front door.

  Lloyd And, Brooke …

  Brooke Yes?

  Lloyd Are you in?

  Brooke In?

  Lloyd Are you there?

  Brooke What?

  Lloyd You’re out. OK. I’ll call again. And on we go.

  Exit Brooke through the front door.

  Lloyd So there you are, holding the receiver.

  Dotty So there I am, holding the receiver. I put the receiver back and I leave the sardines.

  Mrs Clackett Always the same story, isn’t it …

  Lloyd And you take the newspaper.

  She comes back, and picks up the newspaper and the receiver.

  Dotty I leave the sardines, I take the newspaper.

  Mrs Clackett Always the same story, isn’t it. It’s a weight off your mind, it’s a load off your stomach.

  Dotty And off at last I go.

  Lloyd Leaving the receiver.

  She replaces the receiver and goes off into the study. Enter Roger as before, with the cardboard box.

  Roger … I have a housekeeper, yes, but this is her afternoon off.

  Enter Vicki as before.

  Roger So we’ve got the place entirely to ourselves.